I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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