Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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