I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
