I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
