It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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