new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
