lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize