Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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