How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
