"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
