I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
