I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
