Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
