I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I would ride that face into the sunset
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
