All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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