a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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