"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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