Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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