3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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