i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
