His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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