I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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