i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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