Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
