Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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