if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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