Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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