im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
