Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
