we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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