Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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