Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
