At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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