seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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