I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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