he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
