You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
