Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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