Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
