You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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