I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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