I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
