so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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