hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
