new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
