Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
