i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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