found the other keg... it's in the tree
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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