The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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