hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
