i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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