How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize