I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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