I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
