just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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