i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
