I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
