did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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